Wednesday, July 22, 2009

Giving the finger

OK, I have been asked to tell this true story more than once.
I usually cloak the truth in analogy's and writers privilege.
I was gonna do that with this one.....Screw it, you get the unaltered version today.
Because if I wrote as a story....You probably would think I was tweaking the details. The things that happened and were said.....Every line is true.
Even when you wouldn't think that people would be Asshole enough to say that.

One hot frigging summer day here in AZ. I pulled into the parking lot of my work and brought the 10 wheeler with a farmers yoke trailer to halt.
Why do I drive this Rig? Because of the double wishbone on the yoke.[picture a flatbed trailer with a y yoke in front of it. The front has a steel ring that goes into a farmers clip. like a ball hitch but less able to guide. The back of the yoke is also able to pivot the front wheels. So when backing up, they want to go in opposite directions] I'm the only one in the yard who can back the sucker up.
Which can come in real handy at some of the blind alleys and hollowed out construction jobs we do.

My good Friend who owns the 88 sporty you all know about..[I'm keeping his name private. From here on out we'll just call him 88]
Rolls up on his forklift and tells me we need the trailer down in the back lot.
I was already out and into my vest getting ready to leave on my bike [This is important later in the story]
OK no problem.
I swing it around and back down the alley in back and down the little hill next to the fence.
Every time I did this in the yard, someone would comment that it was amazing that I could do that. [25 years driving teaches you things ,,Go figure]
So this time it was 88 saying this as he was starting to unhook my trailer for me.
The tension of being on a downward angle from the truck had jammed the front yoke too tight to release.
Just as I said 'Don't put your hand near it' He did.
When two highly sprung blocks of steel slam together and your fingers are in the way?
Somebody is going to be minus a finger...and 88 was.
With a look of pure shock and pain He calmly said I just lost my finger.
Walkimg quickly but steady back to his forklift, wrapped his hand in a rag and drove to the office. So they could take him to the hospital.

Back at the truck, I manage to pry the jaws open on the trailer and retrieve the finger.
Drove my [now] disconnected truck like hell up to the office.
I run inside and tell the receptionist at the front desk. I need ice and a couple of bags.
She looks at me like it's the funniest thing she'd ever seen, and doesn't move an inch.
Placing my boot firmly against her desk and kicking it over a few feet fixed the humor problem...I had a bag of ice and another to cover the finger in less than thirty seconds.
As I was running out the front door she replied 'I'll get you fired for this'
I shot back a look that made it clear to her that right now, silence would be her best course of action.
She quickly shut the fuck up.
So jumping on 'Annabelle and firing her to duty, I placed the bag in my saddlebag and pulled a 20 foot wheelie down the street.
I get out on the highway still pissed at our dipshit desk bunny and hauling ass to the hospital.
I pass a Maricopa police car doing well over the speed limit.
I see him and he doesn't do shit.
So I slow down beside him and motion for him to pull over.
No response other than a incredulous look.
So I start kicking the drivers door [put a nice dent in that sucker]
He swerves into the gravel on the side of the road and stops. I stop just in front of him.
I grabbed the bag out of my saddlebag and run toward the police car.
He's getting ready to draw his weapon.
I yelled 'you gotta get this man's finger to the hospital now!!'
Quickly explaining how I come to be carrying such a thing.
The Dumb ass cop looks at me and says 'We don't do that'
I start yelling.
Are you fucking kidding me! You assholes can't find any stolen items unless the crooks bring them to you and can hardly solve shit. Except give out bullshit tickets? To serve and Protect is just a fucking motto?
At this the Sargent in the passenger seat got out and berated the dumb ass.
'Take the damn finger and let's get it to the hospital, Jackass.'
So off they go, siren's blaring.
I catch up a few minutes later as they are walking back outta the hospital.
The sargent pulls me aside and say's
'The next time you give a cop a finger...Smile.

Postscript...It was all for naught...they couldn't reattach the finger.
As I stepped into the bathroon I saw what the dumbass cop saw.
A long wild haired, grey beard with a bowie knife strapped to his leg. a patch of a maltese cross with skull and bomes on my back. and blood on the front of my shirt.
Riding a obnoxious sounding harley covered in dust...And kicking his door.
I wonder why he didn't want to pull over?

Sunday, July 19, 2009


There's an old joke about a man in a flood sitting on his roof.
First a man on a raft comes by and ask 'Do you need a ride?'
The old man replies 'no ,God will save me'
The rafter leaves.
Then he is followed in secession with a boat ,helicopter etc...
Same question, same answer.
Finally the water rises and the old man dies.
Gets up to St Peter and says What happened, I thought you'd save me?
Peter replies 'What do you want from me? I sent a raft, a boat, a helicopter.....

Why the joke?
Because I was wondering if I wasn't getting the joke being played by the universe.
only in reverse......

There was a open bike night planned for this past Saturday night at the dominant three piece 'Patch' here in the valley. [It's AZ . you figure it out]
My President of B.A.C.A says 'we have to be there'
'OK. no problem'
My bike 'Marie' the Dyna is in the shop getting a gear drive and some bigger cams.
Be ready Thursday night......No sweat.
Thursday comes.....Nope wrong week earliest.
OK....I'll just go out and finish up 'Annabelle' my trusty sporty.
Friday night starting to button it up.....Aww shit, I need two lousy O-rings
Which I don't have. too late to get them in time for tomorrow night and finish up the build and break her in properly.
My Bro Mike says 'take my sporty'
It has a charging issue...But I'm hoping that I have enough time to fix....If not I'll just bring jumper cables as we are not going to far from here anyway.
OK...Good to go.......
He gets the bike over here, I replaced the regulator and it's charging.
Now it's time to go.
Get two miles from the house and the coil or points and condenser start crapping out.
OK, I limp it home.
Fuck it...Take the cage.
Flat tire sitting the driveway....Are you frigging kidding me?
OK pump up the tire... Seems fine
Get two miles from home it goes flat again.......ffffffuckk!!!
Dig out the doughnut spare, seems fine,
One mile...IT goes flat!!
AAggghhh! Screw it, buy a can o fix a flat.
Finally get going.
At this point the joke mentioned earlier keeps popping thru my head...
Except in this case...something goes horribly wrong and I arrived at St Pete's and ask WTF?
And he replies
What'd you want?...I broke everything I could to stop ya..

Contemplating this scenario...I rolled down the window of the cage and flipped the bird to the universe....Fuck you, I'm going.

I went.
Had a great time.

Wednesday, July 8, 2009


I thought that Mama loved me.
She bought me boots and a bike and all kinds of neat shit.
Now, I ain't so sure.
We went out for dinner the other night on the way to Walmart.
On the menu they had 'Chicken fried steak'
I had a question...
Since there is no 'Chicken' in the damn steak......I don't count the egg used for the batter...It's an egg...not a chicken yet....[No I ain't interested in a roe-v -wade debate]
where the fuck did the chicken fried part come from?
Is there a chicken in the kitchen frying the damn thing?
But I digress..
Anyhow we ended up at Wallys mart and she bought me a pair of shorts for the party.
I was thankful.
Till now.
Here I sit with a bursting bladder.
The shorts she bought are camouflage..
So,Now I can't find the Fucking zipper.......