Giving the finger

OK, I have been asked to tell this true story more than once.
I usually cloak the truth in analogy's and writers privilege.
I was gonna do that with this one.....Screw it, you get the unaltered version today.
Because if I wrote as a story....You probably would think I was tweaking the details. The things that happened and were said.....Every line is true.
Even when you wouldn't think that people would be Asshole enough to say that.


One hot frigging summer day here in AZ. I pulled into the parking lot of my work and brought the 10 wheeler with a farmers yoke trailer to halt.
Why do I drive this Rig? Because of the double wishbone on the yoke.[picture a flatbed trailer with a y yoke in front of it. The front has a steel ring that goes into a farmers clip. like a ball hitch but less able to guide. The back of the yoke is also able to pivot the front wheels. So when backing up, they want to go in opposite directions] I'm the only one in the yard who can back the sucker up.
Which can come in real handy at some of the blind alleys and hollowed out construction jobs we do.

My good Friend who owns the 88 sporty you all know about..[I'm keeping his name private. From here on out we'll just call him 88]
Rolls up on his forklift and tells me we need the trailer down in the back lot.
I was already out and into my vest getting ready to leave on my bike [This is important later in the story]
OK no problem.
I swing it around and back down the alley in back and down the little hill next to the fence.
Every time I did this in the yard, someone would comment that it was amazing that I could do that. [25 years driving teaches you things ,,Go figure]
So this time it was 88 saying this as he was starting to unhook my trailer for me.
The tension of being on a downward angle from the truck had jammed the front yoke too tight to release.
Just as I said 'Don't put your hand near it' He did.
When two highly sprung blocks of steel slam together and your fingers are in the way?
Somebody is going to be minus a finger...and 88 was.
With a look of pure shock and pain He calmly said I just lost my finger.
Walkimg quickly but steady back to his forklift, wrapped his hand in a rag and drove to the office. So they could take him to the hospital.

Back at the truck, I manage to pry the jaws open on the trailer and retrieve the finger.
Drove my [now] disconnected truck like hell up to the office.
I run inside and tell the receptionist at the front desk. I need ice and a couple of bags.
She looks at me like it's the funniest thing she'd ever seen, and doesn't move an inch.
Placing my boot firmly against her desk and kicking it over a few feet fixed the humor problem...I had a bag of ice and another to cover the finger in less than thirty seconds.
As I was running out the front door she replied 'I'll get you fired for this'
I shot back a look that made it clear to her that right now, silence would be her best course of action.
She quickly shut the fuck up.
So jumping on 'Annabelle and firing her to duty, I placed the bag in my saddlebag and pulled a 20 foot wheelie down the street.
I get out on the highway still pissed at our dipshit desk bunny and hauling ass to the hospital.
I pass a Maricopa police car doing well over the speed limit.
I see him and he doesn't do shit.
So I slow down beside him and motion for him to pull over.
No response other than a incredulous look.
So I start kicking the drivers door [put a nice dent in that sucker]
He swerves into the gravel on the side of the road and stops. I stop just in front of him.
I grabbed the bag out of my saddlebag and run toward the police car.
He's getting ready to draw his weapon.
I yelled 'you gotta get this man's finger to the hospital now!!'
Quickly explaining how I come to be carrying such a thing.
The Dumb ass cop looks at me and says 'We don't do that'
I start yelling.
Are you fucking kidding me! You assholes can't find any stolen items unless the crooks bring them to you and can hardly solve shit. Except give out bullshit tickets? To serve and Protect is just a fucking motto?
At this the Sargent in the passenger seat got out and berated the dumb ass.
'Take the damn finger and let's get it to the hospital, Jackass.'
So off they go, siren's blaring.
I catch up a few minutes later as they are walking back outta the hospital.
The sargent pulls me aside and say's
'The next time you give a cop a finger...Smile.

Postscript...It was all for naught...they couldn't reattach the finger.
As I stepped into the bathroon I saw what the dumbass cop saw.
A long wild haired, grey beard with a bowie knife strapped to his leg. a patch of a maltese cross with skull and bomes on my back. and blood on the front of my shirt.
Riding a obnoxious sounding harley covered in dust...And kicking his door.
I wonder why he didn't want to pull over?

WTF?

There's an old joke about a man in a flood sitting on his roof.
First a man on a raft comes by and ask 'Do you need a ride?'
The old man replies 'no ,God will save me'
The rafter leaves.
Then he is followed in secession with a boat ,helicopter etc...
Same question, same answer.
Finally the water rises and the old man dies.
Gets up to St Peter and says What happened, I thought you'd save me?
Peter replies 'What do you want from me? I sent a raft, a boat, a helicopter.....

Why the joke?
Because I was wondering if I wasn't getting the joke being played by the universe.
only in reverse......

There was a open bike night planned for this past Saturday night at the dominant three piece 'Patch' here in the valley. [It's AZ . you figure it out]
My President of B.A.C.A says 'we have to be there'
'OK. no problem'
My bike 'Marie' the Dyna is in the shop getting a gear drive and some bigger cams.
Be ready Thursday night......No sweat.
Thursday comes.....Nope wrong cams...next week earliest.
OK....I'll just go out and finish up 'Annabelle' my trusty sporty.
Friday night starting to button it up.....Aww shit, I need two lousy O-rings
Which I don't have. too late to get them in time for tomorrow night and finish up the build and break her in properly.
My Bro Mike says 'take my sporty'
It has a charging issue...But I'm hoping that I have enough time to fix....If not I'll just bring jumper cables as we are not going to far from here anyway.
OK...Good to go.......
He gets the bike over here, I replaced the regulator and it's charging.
Now it's time to go.
Get two miles from the house and the coil or points and condenser start crapping out.
Shit!!
OK, I limp it home.
Fuck it...Take the cage.
Flat tire sitting the driveway....Are you frigging kidding me?
OK pump up the tire... Seems fine
Get two miles from home it goes flat again.......ffffffuckk!!!
Dig out the doughnut spare, seems fine,
One mile...IT goes flat!!
AAggghhh! Screw it, buy a can o fix a flat.
Finally get going.
At this point the joke mentioned earlier keeps popping thru my head...
Except in this case...something goes horribly wrong and I arrived at St Pete's and ask WTF?
And he replies
What'd you want?...I broke everything I could to stop ya..

Contemplating this scenario...I rolled down the window of the cage and flipped the bird to the universe....Fuck you, I'm going.

I went.
Had a great time.

Huh?

I thought that Mama loved me.
She bought me boots and a bike and all kinds of neat shit.
Now, I ain't so sure.
We went out for dinner the other night on the way to Walmart.
On the menu they had 'Chicken fried steak'
I had a question...
Since there is no 'Chicken' in the damn steak......I don't count the egg used for the batter...It's an egg...not a chicken yet....[No I ain't interested in a roe-v -wade debate]
where the fuck did the chicken fried part come from?
Is there a chicken in the kitchen frying the damn thing?
But I digress..
Anyhow we ended up at Wallys mart and she bought me a pair of shorts for the party.
I was thankful.
Till now.
Here I sit with a bursting bladder.
The shorts she bought are camouflage..
So,Now I can't find the Fucking zipper.......

Cryogenic Rapture

Friday started one second after midnight of Thursdays eve.
Apparently this happens on weekly basis.
It's been going on since time began...or at least since we have had Friday's following Thursday's.
What's this have to do with this post?
Absolutely nothing.
At the time I was sleeping and don't know what the hell was going on.
What's this all have to do with the Williams AZ trip everyone is waiting to hear about?
Not a damn thing.
Hell, even the title of this post has nothing to do with this day's story..it actually applies to Saturday.
{I'm a regular friggin' suspence writer}
In case you missed it....At midnight..I was sleeping.
Pay attention!

I awoke at the crack of Nine-ish and headed out to my big two wheeler.
[OK so it's a sporty and most don't consider it big.....and it's not really mine...belongs to a Friend]
Abruptly I came to a halt.
I forgot to open the door.
Twisting the doorknob like a panheads twistgrip attached to a super E fuel mixer...[Poetic, Ain't it?]
I opened the door.
I walked over to the scoot and threw a leg over.
Flipped the switch and reached for the starter button.
Only to be interrupted by a loud yelling coming from the doorway.
'You need to get dressed first'
Ann had noticed I had no clothes on.
Damn! She's picky today.
So I had to start all over again...
Finally getting my shit together, We headed off to the wild blue....ummm
Asphalt?
After a long drive..[5000 feet] We stopped at a house five streets up from ours and looked at a Black Cherry 99 Dyna.
Ann bought it and said Happy Fathers day!
Which I thought was strange...As Fathers day was on the upcoming Sunday.
But being graciously humble I didn't point that out to her.
{Yes I know..I'm wonderful like that}
Getting down the highway going up to get low in the AZ high country.
Like two Frito's diving into salsa con queso, we were a tasty pair..
{Try singing that one ,Dylan}
Stopping at the local HD dealer on the way, we bought the Harley museum archives book.
[Highly recommended]
Rumbling along [we were hungry] we opted to stop at the casino along the way.
After a hardy meal we cropdusted the casino isles.
Relived of the gastro-intestinal issues and recieving nasty looks from the patrons at the slot-machines, We got while the going was good.
Near Flagstaff it started to rain.
I had no jacket.
[if you weren't paying attention...I had some fabric related issues earlier in the day]
Bought a sweater-jacket at the Big 5 sports store.
I was toasty.......The rain stopped.
Finally arriving in Williams AZ.
The assistant police chief greeted us as we dismounted.
Apparently he hadn't ever heard a sporty with a nasty big block Chevy cackle.
He was impressed.
Registering for the Rumble. [I'm smart like that]
We proceeded towards our hotel.
Stopping at a stop sign because that's what your supposed to do.
[That's why it's called a stop sign..Dipshit]
I looked over and saw AZ Harley Dude and Linda stopped at the other stop sign.
{Why?.... you paying attention here?...I ain't explaining it again}
Saying Hello....Because that's what you do when you meet people.
We had a quiet talk on the sidewalk. It would have been ridiculous to yell loudly as we were just a couple feet from each other.
We agreed to meet later at the local watering hole.
I think it was misnamed because I didn't really see anybody drinking water.

I partook in some of Lynchburg Tennessee's finest liquid libation.

[Partook and libation in the same sentence...50 points..Yee-hah!]

Fuzzily watching Ann molest all the wooden animals in town and even seeing her attempt to give a pine cowboy statue a blow job.
Guessing wisely that she must need some wood.
I headed her off to the hotel.
Then came Saturday........

My Favorite Word

A Short Post.

What????

Road Therapy.

Mounting up and firing the iron horse called 88 to life, the walls of the surrounding concrete canyon echoed with a sinister roar of a snarling stallion.
Two more steel steeds announced their displeasure at sitting idle.
Snapping the darkness away with white light and blue flame, the dirt rose in protest as the three snicked into gear in unison and painted the asphalt a darker shade of black.
Unleashed and full of fury, earlier today these chariots had given full measure of compassion for a child treated wrongly. Proudly carrying safely the newest young member of B.A.C.A. They had spent all the empathy allotted them for the day.
Rage was all that was left. This valley was gonna hear the bellowing angry scream.
As if to haunt the sleep of an abuser, the steeds wound up and casting showers of orange sparks they tore down the off ramp leading to the highway. The heat generated from the friction of steel on pavement gave the floorboard of the first iron horse an eerie glow, if only for an instant.
Just under a hundred and still gaining momentum the three riders and Passengers held the steel reins of the chrome,war painted palominos racing to outrun the horror of child abuse.
The wind, rumble and speed would be the therapy needed.
The stench of evil would be lost in the dust, passed from view just for the duration.
Cool desert air was breathed to capacity in iron and flesh lungs. White and red streaks galloped clear.
The cloak of night swallowed the tragedies and injustices of days recent.

Tomorrow the world will still turn and the the destiny of souls will still follow.
But tonight....just briefly....nine broke free, three of steel and six of flesh.